Last night, I cried. While driving home. In my car. Alone.
And not just the choked-up, a-couple-tears-welling-up kind of cry. The kind from deep down in your chest that aches as it comes out.
It wasn’t because I was exhausted, 13 hours into my work day. It wasn’t because I was heartbroken by the heartache of this world.
It was because God is good. So so good. And ushered to the cross by a simple song, I was utterly overcome by His goodness.
It was an hour long drive on 121. A drive I’ve done what seems like hundreds of times now after long days of college fairs. I’ve learned to find peace in the solitude of that empty highway. My music was on shuffle and my speakers were up high- the energy I needed to make it home and crawl into bed.
I was caught in the midst of autopilot- effortless driving and drifting thoughts- when this song came on.
With just 63 words and a few simple chords, these 9 minutes and 35 seconds spoke utter truth into my heart.
So I cried.
I’ve been overwhelmed. Feeling like I have to make decisions I’m not capable of making. Like I have to race against the confines of my day, to do it all and be it all.
But I don’t have to. I don’t have to do any of it. Because as these lyrics continually profess, “my life is in the hands of the maker of heaven.”
He’s in control. He’s got a plan so good my heart can’t even grasp it.
I know this not only because I’ve been taught this, but because I’ve seen it. In my own life, He’s done it before.
When I finally stopped trying to convince a boy to just get over his fears and date me, God gave me his heart for good.
And when I finally surrendered my post-grad plans to His will, He gave me a job I couldn’t have dreamed up.
I’ve gotten so caught up in making decisions that I’ve forgotten that they’re not mine to make. There is so much relief in surrender and so much joy in letting it go.
So last night I cried. As I drove home, I let these words wash over me and I cried tears of relief. Tears of surrender. Tears of gratitude that my God loves me enough to take this all from me.
God, there is nothing I hold onto. With hands wide open, I will climb this mountain and every mountain You ask me to.