For years, I lived in the depths of disordered eating. Of restricting and bingeing and restricting and bingeing. Of trying so freakin’ hard to stay away from the candy bowl then shoving it in my face, alone in my car. Of believing my worth was in my image and my success was in my ability to control it. I was enslaved to darkness and chained by lies.
But I broke free.
I broke free a year and a half ago. When I fell to my knees, absolutely drowning in my own brokenness. Utterly lost in my own struggle. When I finally believed that the size of my body didn’t matter and that no bite of food could replace the truth of who I am and why I’m here. When I finally grasped with my heart that the promises of God are the only truth I can cling to. That the reason I continually failed for so many years was because I wasn’t meant to do it on my own.
But I also broke free last week when I looked at myself in the mirror, drenched in my own sweat of a yoga sculpt class, and refused to believe the lies in my own head that my stomach was too flabby or my arms were too big.
I broke free six months ago when I was hurt by a loved one and chose not to drown my sorrows in ice cream.
And I broke free Friday night when I ate the damn ice cream because not eating it didn’t make many better of a person or more worthy of a woman.
I break free every morning when I choose to wake up and nourish my soul with His word. Fill myself with His truth to satisfy the hunger in my heart that I now know no amount of chocolate (or ability to stay away from chocolate) ever will.
I break free every. single. time I choose to believe that my worth is in something besides the size of my thighs. When I believe that I was created for something so much more important than to look acceptable to this broken society of ours. When I live in the truth that I have worth, I have purpose, and I am loved.
Y’all, He set us free. Past tense. It’s already done. You are free. And for the purpose of freedom. To live in freedom. But the second part of this verse is why I love it so much.
We were set free, but we also have to choose to stand firm in that freedom. To cling to that freedom and fight like hell against all the lies that try to break us from it. Because this world tells us the opposite. This broken, hurting, self-seeking world we’re in tells us, every hour of every day, that slavery is where we belong.
So that’s exactly why I continually have to recommit to my freedom on a daily, sometimes hourly basis. Not because it’s something I need to earn again; because it’s something I have to accept again. Something I have to believe again.
I break free every time that I stand firm in the truth of who I am. Every time I refuse to be in bondage again to the lies of this world.
There is no single moment of freedom. The day that I finally accepted that it would be a daily battle toward healing – a daily choice to recommit myself to defeating the lies and living in the truth, not an instantaneous decision to get better – that was the day I actually started to heal.
So sweet friend, whatever enslaves you – whatever chains you and defeats you and rules you – it doesn’t have to. It really doesn’t have to. It will continue to for as long as you try to fight it on your own, but it doesn’t have to. I pray with every single ounce of my heart that you find this freedom. That you choose this freedom. Because it is sweet. So so sweet. And it is yours. Yours if you choose it. xx, molls